Sick top

[Rose]

So, my husband has been ill for a long time now (since last Dec). We've been going to see all kinds of specialists, and no one has been able to figure out what it is. They've all assured us that it isn't fatal, but it has been fairly debilitating for him. He has good days and bad days, but lately more bad.

The problem this is causing for me is that, even though we've been talking about rules and discipline, there are plenty of times when he is simply unable to follow through because of his health. And since we don't know what he has, we don't know how long it will last.

I'm doing my best to take care of him. I love him and I want him to get better. But sometimes I feel a very strong need for him to take care of me, and during these times I have a very strong urge to act up in an attempt to force his hand (both literally and figuratively). I've been fighting like mad not to give in to this urge, not only because I don't want to put him through it while he's so sick, but because I know it would have a devastating effect on me emotionally if he weren't able to follow through. Which, odds are, he wouldn't be.

The even bigger problem is that this turns into a vicious cycle for me... I know that the anger I experience sometimes is normal, as I've been reading a lot about caring for a chronically ill spouse... But it is still difficult for me to handle. I get so angry that he can't take care of me when I've been taking care of him for so long, which makes me feel like an incredibly selfish and small person. Anger at myself leads to self-destructive behaviors (usually), which leads conflict between him and me, which would usually lead to punishment... But I'm trying like hell not to fall into those behaviors, which leads to frustration over how much I'm doing for him, which leads to anger, which leads to guilt... you get the idea.

Something's got to give. I'm starting to feel like I'm beating my head against a wall, and sooner or later, I'm going to burst.



Any thoughts? Please? I'll take whatever you've got...

[JigsawAnalogy]

Number one, I think, is that it's good if you've got someone you can complain to, or somewhere you can do this. With me and W, it goes back and forth, since I have fibromyalgia, and she has a really, REALLY bad back (multiple herniated discs). And I think we are both totally willing to take care of each other, and sometimes really needing to be taken care of when that just isn't available. And sometimes, there are feelings that need to be expressed, and it's best not to express them to the person you have the feelings ABOUT.

Is it possible to consider punishments other than spanking? Mostly, they don't work well for me, but it's always something to consider.

Not sure what else would work, but if people have ideas, please share!

[Rose]

Is it possible to consider punishments other than spanking? Mostly, they don't work well for me, but it's always something to consider.

I've told him that he has blanket consent to discipline me however he sees fit. Part of the reason I talked him into joining this and other groups was that he could learn from others about different punishments they've tried and how they've worked. He has, a couple of times, had me write apology letters for a couple of small infractions, but that is all.

[JigsawAnalogy]

Lines can be a heinous punishment. So can losing the option of doing something (ie, playing games online) that is related to why you're being punished (ie, staying up too late at night).

Soap... ugh. Corner time... not so much, except in establishing mindset, at least for me.

W has threatened grounding, which may or may not work.

Just some ideas of what has worked for us. For me, at least, non-spanking punishments need to be directly related to my behavior for them to be effective.