okay, I'll start

Some of us had perfect happy bunny rainbow ice cream childhoods. Some of us had childhoods that were reasonably okay. And some of us were abused. Much as I'd like to pretend it has nothing to do with my life now, I know that those old issues can rear their ugly heads. Not to mention coping with the judgmental tone a lot of the "healing" literature takes about S/M, let alone the disciplinary stuff.

Postby Cammy » Thu Nov 22, 2007 10:19 pm

Jigsaw said: What helps me the most with anxiety is figuring out the cause, and then working to address that. Sounds simple, but it really isn't. And it takes time both to figure out why I'm feeling anxious, and then to do something about it.

I have this free-floating anxiety. It takes me such a long time to figure out what I am feeling, and to know what that feeling is. For how I feel right now, I think that it is like I can feel so anxious, chest flutters, can't sit still, or the like, and it is like a premonition that all hell is going to break lose inside of me. I have been having recurrent body memories and I have not had that in quite a few years. And when the body memoires would recur, I could tell that it was just like the memories was testing the waters to find out if it was safe to tell me more about what happened. I feel like the memories are trying to see if I will accept more news. I do not want to know another damn thing that happened to me! SO, my chest flutters, my eye twitches and I am so nervous.

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Postby JigsawAnalogy » Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:28 am

I usually try to remind myself that the only way out is through. I can spend weeks and weeks with the free-floating anxiety, or a few miserable hours actually experiencing the memories or feelings or whatever it is I'm trying to avoid. Maybe I *need* the weeks of anxiety to build up enough force to get the other stuff out. Maybe I don't. But once it's out, it's out. It doesn't have quite the same force the next time.

But there has to be a balance. If stuff comes up that I'm not (or other parts aren't) ready for, then it gets mentally erased, and the whole process needs to be gone through again and again. The same memories coming up.

My therapist has taught me that more progress is made taking things slowly than trying to rush. And that it's important for each part of me to build trust before talking or writing or whatever about certain subjects.
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Postby Cammy » Fri Nov 23, 2007 11:04 pm

JigsawAnalogy wrote:I usually try to remind myself that the only way out is through. I can spend weeks and weeks with the free-floating anxiety, or a few miserable hours actually experiencing the memories or feelings or whatever it is I'm trying to avoid. Maybe I *need* the weeks of anxiety to build up enough force to get the other stuff out. Maybe I don't. But once it's out, it's out. It doesn't have quite the same force the next time.

But there has to be a balance. If stuff comes up that I'm not (or other parts aren't) ready for, then it gets mentally erased, and the whole process needs to be gone through again and again. The same memories coming up.

My therapist has taught me that more progress is made taking things slowly than trying to rush. And that it's important for each part of me to build trust before talking or writing or whatever about certain subjects.


Jigsaw
Thank you for your gentle reminders...........I never have felt that I have control over when memories come and how much I get to know about what happened. I KNOW that the free-floating anxiety and twinges of body memories do tell me that something is brewing. I can also tell that since I have had "some of this memory and some of that memory" like a tossed salad, that I have a feeling that something else that I do not know about is going to be known to me, relatively soon. I have never been able to rush any memories and I have never been able to really have any control of them. I have a new therapist and so I am not sure how this will go; with my old therapist, I could call her, see her or knew that I could be held and could know that I would be ok. I don't know what I can expet, what I can have as far as suppoort from this new therapist. Maybe that is why these brewing below the surface memories have not been shown to me. I have no idea WHO is protecting WHOM. I do not know WHO knows WHAT and I just get confused about all of this. I don't feel that I am involved with any of the process of these memories, but I have all the anxiety to show for it.

I do not want to be alone........I may not have any choice, but to be alone and I think that that increases my anxiety. I do feel like it is a Catch-22.

I agree with you about the force memories have on me.......I can sit and tell the events and have no connection between the events and emotions. while the person I tell cries for me. I just don't get it. I don't know how to process what happened and how I "should" feel. I it so disconnected.

But when memories are new I can be pretty devastated as they are pretty wretched (Like, do we block good memories? ) And I can tell you this: I cannot imagine that there is more that was done to me, and I find it hard, very hard to imagine that anything "worse" could have occured.

But this anxiety is tough on me. And I do not imagine that it is any easier on those who have to put up with me!

Thanks for listening,
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Re: okay, I'll start

Postby little_butterfly » Thu Dec 03, 2009 5:19 am

Okay, I have only read the first page-full of topics, because it's really late (um, early...) now and I was *supposed* to be in bed a long time ago! But...

I know this is a really old thread, but thank you for leaving it up. I relate SO much to everything that was said, and it is such a relief to see my own thoughts/life/experiences/etc spelled out by someone else. Well, in a way. In another way, I sometimes don't want anyone to be like me because that would mean they might have some of the same past experiences as I have. (Did that sentence make sense?)

I can't quote all the things that hit home for me (so far, and that was only the first page!), because there are too many. Glad to hear about the forgetfulness though, I am the biggest space case. (J {I hestitate to call him Daddy on here, though that is my norm, because it would be considered a trigger in some instances} burst out laughing one day when I opened the fridge and said "hey look, we have a jar of pickles in here" and when I asked him what was so funny, he told me I'd done the exact same thing the last 2 days!) And hearing the migraine thing, you don't know how interested in that I am. I'd had this little thing in the back of my head wondering if my unexplained migraines might be something psychological, but since I didn't get headaches while in intensive therapy for 2 years, I thought that couldn't possibly be it. Now, hearing others discuss it, I wonder... And was it Rose talking about her relationship/dynamic with her husband? I don't know; can't even remember what exactly it was now. I guess I'm just saying I am happy to be here and thank you for opening up, everyone!
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Re: okay, I'll start

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Thu Dec 03, 2009 9:43 am

I know this is a really old thread, but thank you for leaving it up.


unlike on some other forums, i actually welcome people reviving old threads, because i think it's useful to come back to these conversations, and see new things in them.

it's a sad thing, how many of us have gone through sucky stuff in our childhoods, but it's an amazing thing to me how many of us have emerged relatively whole (even if we do have parts) and functional in our adult lives, vowing not to repeat the process with our own children.
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