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This thing we do • View topic - My Childhood

My Childhood

Some of us had perfect happy bunny rainbow ice cream childhoods. Some of us had childhoods that were reasonably okay. And some of us were abused. Much as I'd like to pretend it has nothing to do with my life now, I know that those old issues can rear their ugly heads. Not to mention coping with the judgmental tone a lot of the "healing" literature takes about S/M, let alone the disciplinary stuff.

My Childhood

Postby bodack » Sun Sep 14, 2008 5:48 am

I was never spanked. I think my older sisters were a little. My Dad was completely opposed to it. For one thing both his parents were hard core alcoholics. They would go into blind rages and beat the kids with rubber hoses. ( I had a teacher in Junior HIgh mention getting beat with a rubber hose so it must have been somewhat common.) I am also convinced that my mother was a closet spanko and I think my dad realized that. If it weren't for him I am sure we would have all gotten a lot of spankings from her.

My problem is that spankings were replaced with emotional abuse. I am not sure if the lectures, scoldings etc were really that bad of if the environment made it that way. By the time I came along my parents spent most of their time making the other person miserable. That meant I grew up in an environment of extreme stress, almost like I was always about to get punished. So any punishment just pushed me over the edge. This made me a very emotionally fragile child always wanting to please and never wanting to get into trouble.

After reading a lot of the posts from women on the Taken in Hand site I think my Mom would have fit in real well in that type of relationship. For that to work though my Dad would have had to be successful and he wasn't. He put bread on the table but in her eyes he was "Just" an engineer.

Of course since I wasn't a typical boy who got into trouble all of the time I wasn't really masculine enough for her. She once told me she wished I would get paddled at school so it would toughen me up. In reality it would have crushed me. The paddlings were semi-public, just outside the door. Having never been spanked I am sure I would have broken down into tears. So all of my schoolmates and girls I was trying to impress would see it and I would never hear the end of it.

I still have trouble standing up for myself in a relationship. I never had peace growing up and I really want that in a relationship. I am not into arguments. Having grown up in the start of the feminist age where any idea that women might like to be put in their place was continually quashed. I am just now getting to the point where I can believe that I can tell a woman to quit being a bitch and not start a relationship ending raging argument. Of course when I back down it just makes the women I date angry and I am just now starting to understand why.

I have dated women into sexual spankings and I am into it so I can understand that. The idea that a women might consider it proper to be given a punishment spanking is still in the realm of a male chauvinist fantasy.

This site, Taken in Hand and the disciplined Feminist are all helping quite a bit.
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Re: My Childhood

Postby Eayore » Mon Sep 15, 2008 5:10 pm

Thanks for bringing this up, bodack. My parents weren't alcoholic, but I do see some similarities. Spanking was not a part of my home life, but I can remember the occasional angry, violent episode.

My father told me a couple of times he did not agree with the saying, "You should never strike a child in anger." To him, striking a child as a deliberate act, in 'cold blood' was inhuman - but if angry, I think he felt it was better to lash out momentarily rather than hold it inside until the anger got out of hand. I guess I can understand his point of view, especially as now I think of him as having some characteristics of a young child who never fully grew up.

While we never discussed the subject of being a spanko openly, I do recall a time when I was an adult that my mother told me she used to like playing games in her childhood where she was tied up. Perhaps she wanted me to open up about my own likes and dislikes, but at that point I was still too terrified to talk to anyone about my fantasies, even my own mother (especially my own mother).
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Re: My Childhood

Postby writegerl » Tue Sep 16, 2008 4:59 am



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Re: My Childhood

Postby EMorgan » Fri May 29, 2009 10:04 pm

I know this is an older thread with no recent posts, but I felt the need to comment here because I do believe that my childhood played an integral role in fostering my need for discipline and guidance - I say *fostering my need* because I also believe that my natural proclivity toward a D/s relationship cannot be ignored entirely.

My parents were not abusive - not in the usual sense. Moreover, they had no idea they were hurting me and certainly never intended to cause me harm. For any other child they may well have been very good parents.

I'm an only child; my father was successful and powerful; my mother, although she had an advanced degree, chose never to use it professionally. He worked hard and valued standards, goals and achievement. She spent the winter in Palm Beach and the summer in the South of France and busied herself in-between seasons with charity functions.

Although I had a nanny I loved as though she were my mother, I often felt lost, alone, and very different from other little girls. I didn't have any social awkwardness, I just didn't see a need for the pretense that defined my parents' and their circle - this included other children my own age.

Being sent to boarding school was a relief of sorts in that I was away from the shallow nature of my parents life. Knowing I was different made daily contact a challenge to cope with.

By *different* I am, of course, referring to my sexuality. I wanted a spanking relationship - and knew I wanted it - from a young age. Later, as I became more aware of the conversational tone employed by the adults in my life, when the topic turned to matters sexual, I began to feel very ashamed of what I wanted. I hid for a very, very long time.

I was not spanked as a child, except on one occasion by my father who was immediately filled with regret and self loathing over what he had done. I didn't witness other children being spanked, either. In the world I grew up in children were reasoned with, not forced into proper behaviour - at least not by the fear of a spanking . . .

My fear was of disapointing my father, of not living up to his expectations, of failure. I internalized his mistake as sexual abuse; no real surprise given that, by the age of six, I was already very aware of my interest in all things spanking.

My childhood was at once the stuff of fairy tales and dreams as well as nightmares where the monsters in the closet were all too real.

I identified with what Bodack said in response to his mother's assertion that spanking would toughen up - he would have been crushed. Until the moment that my father actually spanked me, I thought I wanted him to spank me because I wanted to experience the thing I had longed for. When it occurred, I was utterly devastated; it was traumatic beyond all reason, and I later came to realize that I associated that spanking with ritualized sexual abuse.

I spent my twenties focused on my career and my early thirties focused on my marriage and coming to terms with who I am. At the end of the day being happy, and content with myself, means a lot - and without the childhood that helped to shape the part of me that is the most me, I wouldn't be here. I've been asked if I would change my childhood if I could and I always say, "no." Life is a journey, not a destination and the moments along the way -for better or worse - become our story, our legacy, and our life.

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Re: My Childhood

Postby Eayore » Sun May 31, 2009 5:25 pm

That is really interesting. Thank you for sharing this, E.
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Re: My Childhood

Postby bodack » Mon Jun 08, 2009 10:42 pm

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Re: My Childhood

Postby GF1 » Tue Jun 09, 2009 5:34 pm

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Re: My Childhood

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Wed Jun 10, 2009 12:43 am

Nic

Sing 'til you're breaking glass
or you're breaking down

~Idina Menzel

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Re: My Childhood

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Wed Jun 10, 2009 9:17 am

I'll add a data point from the other side of things. I *was* spanked, if one could call it spanking (being hit by people twice my size, without much regard for where they were hitting, or how hard).

And I really struggled with the fact that, as much as I hated what was happening to me, I still fantasized about spankings. But in my fantasies, it was way more the kind of spankings I get now, where it is related to something I've actually done, that I knew ahead of time would result in a spanking. In my fantasies, the adults stayed calm, even if they were angry or upset over what the kid had done. They didn't beat the kids up, they just spanked them, and when it was over, it was over.

By the time I was a teenager, I had basically accepted that this was my way of reconciling the fact that I felt like I needed that kind of discipline with the fact that I hated being abused. I definitely thought they were different things. As a kid, I didn't feel ashamed of my desire for that kind of structure, because many of my literary heroines had gotten spanked as well. It seemed like it could be something natural (and the number of times I would sit staring at Trina Schart Hyman's illustration in Caddie Woodlawn where Caddie is about to get whipped....)

It was when I got older, and presumably should have been self-regulating, that I began to feel awkward about my desire for rules. Not for spanking, because I was in a really kink-positive environment pretty much from when I started connecting spankings with sex. But for the discipline... that felt (and often still feels) like something to be ashamed of, where I'm not able to be a "real grownup" or something.

I should post elsewhere about how we once again brought up discipline with our therapists, and how that's going. :blush:
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Re: My Childhood

Postby Eayore » Wed Jun 10, 2009 7:28 pm

There are so many thought-provoking comments on here, my head is in a bit of a spin.

I said earlier that spanking wasn't part of my family life. That is true in the sense of organised, calm spankings like I imagine happened in some homes. But there were plenty of slaps and smacks we got. Also there were 2 incidents at school, both very memorable to me, one where the headmistress gave me several slaps on the back of my thighs (in front of the whole school assembly) at the age of 5 or 6, and the other at my next school (so I'd be 7 or 8) where the headmaster was called by my teacher and he picked me up and gave me a few smacks on my bottom in front of the class. I can only describe all these as Absolutely Awful Experiences when they were happening. In the school punishments, I think I may have managed a certain detachment/'out of body' experience but in no way did that compensate for the bad feelings that went with them. Back then, none of this would have been considered abusive in any way. Looking back, I think abuse is not a bad way to describe it.

However, during this same childhood I also remember playing many spanking games with my sisters and friends from down the street. To me, these were exciting, exhilarating and possibly rather addictive. My constant regret would be when it didn't hurt enough to make me feel the thrill I knew I could get from being spanked. :paddle:

To pinpoint the difference between these 2 kinds of experience, I think the word "collaboration" sums it up for me... or possibly "consent", but I prefer collaboration because it suggests 2 equal partners deciding to do something together, whereas consent could be where one person is driving it and the other is just going along with it.

My fantasies (into which I could plunge for hours on end) were different again to either of these real-life scenarios. In this case, collaboration would have been unthinkable. It was all about Punishment, which somehow I justly deserved and knew I deserved it, and therefore accepted it. The discovery, the interrogation, the judgement, the passing of (harsh) sentence were all woven into my fantasies over time, as well as the deliberate humiliation and intense pain of the punishment itself. All of these things seemed so right in my fantasy, but I am sure would have been so dreadful in real life.

In my adult, working life I have occasionally allowed myself to daydream that a colleague was going to cane me for some reason or other, and this was invariably an exciting thought. But just recently something happened at work which made me think of it as happening for real, with me being punished by a more senior manager and even though it was 'just a thought' it actually made me shudder and I realised it would not be a nice experience.
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Re: My Childhood

Postby bodack » Thu Jun 11, 2009 6:23 am

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Re: My Childhood

Postby fail » Fri Jun 12, 2009 1:52 pm

Hm. Thought provoking, all of it. As a top, it's always interesting to see where bottoms are coming from in their need to be disciplined. As a human being, it's always fascinating to learn and understand where others are coming from and the things they've experienced.

Though it occurs to me that you rarely see anything like this from the tops around here. Either we don't speak up, no one asks, or we're just outnumbered. Or maybe all three. :)
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Re: My Childhood

Postby Eayore » Fri Jun 12, 2009 5:16 pm

Only slightly outnumbered I think, because a lot of the people posting here are couples.

I would really love to hear more from the tops. What does it all mean to you? Any childhood memories evoked when you are spanking OneSong?? Or is it just not like that?
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Re: My Childhood

Postby topper2 » Fri Jun 12, 2009 5:23 pm

Last edited by topper2 on Sun Jun 14, 2009 8:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: My Childhood

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Fri Jun 12, 2009 8:32 pm

I've noticed that there really is a lot less written down from tops, both here and generally throughout the blogosphere. Or maybe I just haven't run across it. I don't know. I'd certainly love to hear more from y'all!
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