Childhood ghosts

Some of us had perfect happy bunny rainbow ice cream childhoods. Some of us had childhoods that were reasonably okay. And some of us were abused. Much as I'd like to pretend it has nothing to do with my life now, I know that those old issues can rear their ugly heads. Not to mention coping with the judgmental tone a lot of the "healing" literature takes about S/M, let alone the disciplinary stuff.

Childhood ghosts

Postby dd_bottom » Wed Jun 10, 2009 4:27 am

In her Punishment Book site, I think it is, Mija talks about the connection -- or is there one? -- between childhood abuse -- the ghosts of abuse -- the stuff the neighbors would call Child Protective Services on parents for now but which was Standard Operating Procedure in my childhood.

In my case, I think there's a deep connection between my desire to be controlled and punished and the experiences of my childhood. I have PTSD related to my father's behavior (I listened to him beat up and yell at my mom, watched him essentially torture my older brother, finally gave up on a relationship with him when I was fifteen, when -- drunk -- he got three inches away from my face and screamed that his second wife was the cause of problems between us; second wife, of course, was weeping quietly in the background. That was it ... I knew I'd never have the kind of dad other girls had. I saw him a few more times, but it was messy, and I've got a lot of "Daddy buttons" that can be pushed and push me over the edge. I'm working on taming them.

Still, it would be simplistic to say, "So there, that's why I'm a sub." I think there's more. There has to be more, because while certain things trigger me (unfair behavior, critical attitudes, sometimes just gestures or tones of voice or sighs), I don't mind one bit being spanked and called a little slut. Am I weird? Well, maybe, maybe not, and anyway that's just what I like. But I do have a bit more of an explanation now.

I've recently learned I have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, and ADD people love high-stim activities like skydiving, driving fast, or being tied down and spanked; all of these raise norepinephrine in the brain, a precursor to the dopamine that gives me that totally wacked, shaky, fulfilled subspace feeling.

Funny how complicated it is.
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Re: Childhood ghosts

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Wed Jun 10, 2009 9:24 am

I figure that while childhood trauma leaves all kinds of scars, it probably doesn't have a huge impact on things like kink. I base this on the fact that I was raised with seven siblings, in variations on the same environment, and so far as I can tell, they are mostly not spankos. I mean, it's not that they don't have kinks, but they're not spankos. Ergo, spanking children (or not) isn't what makes people into adult spankos.

I've actually found it incredibly healing to have the disciplinary relationship with W. More than anything else, I think that's what has given me the space to work through a lot of triggers about the abuse I experienced, because I'm able to draw a really clear line between the past and the present. It's definitely helped in distinguishing between her and my mom, which is a Good Thing for our relationship!
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Re: Childhood ghosts

Postby dd_bottom » Thu Jun 11, 2009 2:15 am

I figure that while childhood trauma leaves all kinds of scars, it probably doesn't have a huge impact on things like kink.


Yes, I think I agree with that, and I also agree that it's healing to live my adult life in what is for the most part a perfectly adult way (I suppose you could quibble about the effects of the PTSD that recently blew apart my vocational life), with a perfectly adult partner with whom I can literally play with sensations and experiences that terrorized and overwhelmed me as a child. I think that's very healing.

My husband teases me about "topping from the bottom," but in a very real sense I think this thing I do, you do, WE do -- it's about regaining a feeling of control over things that, as a child, I could not control at all. Spanking and other punishment now happen in a safe place, with a safe person. I know my D isn't going to abandon me. I know he isn't going to shame me or make me feel like a mistake rather than a person.

I do think there might be something to the idea I've encountered (where? hmm, can't remember) that with some children, love and violence become intertwined. But I'm not sure. For me, the kink is very contextual and very specific. So ... I guess I'll learn more from the rest of you as I hang out in this very lovely forum. :read:
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Re: Childhood ghosts

Postby Cinderella » Sat Dec 19, 2009 3:42 pm

I have not yet overcome my childhood issues. i find it hard not to dwell. But at the same time i appreciate the things i've survived. i'm being very brief.
Look on the bright side.
at least its only half empty :)
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Re: Childhood ghosts

Postby Eayore » Sat Dec 19, 2009 8:34 pm

Any time you feel like expanding on that, I am sure we will want to lend an ear and support you in what you went through and are working through now.
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Re: Childhood ghosts

Postby Cinderella » Sun Dec 20, 2009 1:15 pm

Thanx
Look on the bright side.
at least its only half empty :)
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