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This thing we do • View topic - Okay, my turn

Okay, my turn

Some of us had perfect happy bunny rainbow ice cream childhoods. Some of us had childhoods that were reasonably okay. And some of us were abused. Much as I'd like to pretend it has nothing to do with my life now, I know that those old issues can rear their ugly heads. Not to mention coping with the judgmental tone a lot of the "healing" literature takes about S/M, let alone the disciplinary stuff.

Okay, my turn

Postby Alison » Thu Aug 20, 2009 8:48 pm

I was going to post this as a reply to something but it veered off topic slightly so I'm starting a new thread.

I was spanked as a child, by my dad. Not often, and I think I was actually way more scared of my mom's hysterical scoldings than his spankings, mostly because she can be a little bit crazy when she's like that. My family history is a bit complicated I guess. From my parents I suffered more from neglect than abuse - they are nice enough people but neither of them really have any idea how to deal with children. As a teenager I got verbal and emotional abuse from my mom as she resented me for still being around when she wanted to start a new life. Social workers had to get involved and I was a bit screwed up by it. The abuse bit of my childhood really comes from my brother though - I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by him. To be honest, I lay more blame with my parents for not noticing anything than with him, since he was just a kid too.

In any case, this has brought up a few issues for me with spanking:

1) I have a fear of becoming an abuser. When I was little I was quite violent because it was what I knew, and although I haven't hit anybody for years, I do worry that it could reemerge. So this can make spanking difficult although to be honest, it's less to do with the physical side and more when Danielle has a hard time submitting and I have to battle against her. It kind of feels less consensual then, you know? Even thought it isn't.
:argh:

2) My childhood experiences were not consistent or regular and depended a lot on people's moods. We're a tempestuous lot in my family! I'm mildly autistic and part of that is a heightened need for order, predictability, and control. This makes spanking really good for me because I can set out rules with particular consequences and know that things will be consistent in a way that makes reality more acceptable for me!
:peace:

3) One thing I have become is self-disciplined. I needed structure and what I had was being ignored so... I made it for myself. Part of the DD relationship we have is, I feel, me sharing something I can do with Danielle. Our relationship is full of these kinds of sharings - Danielle will make official-type phonecalls for me (they freak me out) and I get her to read-through things I'm going to send to people when I'm angry or whatever so that she can check I'm not letting my anger get in the way of resolving the issue. What I share is an ability to organise and motivate... even if that motivation is avoiding a sore butt
:hairbrush:

4) I suffer from depression and for me one of the biggest parts of this is a feeling of powerlessness. As I was powerless to change my situation as a kid, I get run-down very easily and feel like things are kind of hopeless. The good thing with spanking is that.... I have the power. Having power to improve things makes an awful lot of difference to me.
:rubhands:

5) I've said this one before. The alternative to (1) - I do have anger management issues. I don't exactly want to say that spanking is cathartic, because that would give off the wrong impression, I think. But having a structure in place for how to deal with Danielle makes me less inclined to get angry with her, as anger for me is usually born of frustration and fear that things are out of my control. So spanking can be a good sort of vent in that way when I would otherwise freak out and get angry.
:mad:

I'll echo what the other tops here said about why they got into spanking - Danielle needs it, and I want to give her what she needs. It just so happens that it's worked out pretty good for me too. :D
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Re: Okay, my turn

Postby BickaBecka » Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:47 am

I wish G was here so she could reply to your post... I know she'd have a lot to say. I know for sure that she'd really relate to (1).

From my own perspective, it's good to know what things are like on the other side of the fence. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, they seem quite intimate, and I for one valued reading them. Thank you.
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Re: Okay, my turn

Postby Homeatlast » Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:12 am

Thanks so much Alison. Your post was really valuable to me. As a bottom it is really helpful to get an insight into issues fom a top's perspective.

It is obvious that you are a thoughtful, reflective and sensitive person whose love for Danielle is really strong. As a bottom and a counsellor (therapist) by profession I would like to say that although I have some understanding about your fears about becoming an abuser it seems to me that your awareness, love for Danielle and your wish to meet her needs as well as your own is a pretty solid grounding to ensure that you will never be what you most fear!

Thanks again for sharing
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Re: Okay, my turn

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Fri Aug 21, 2009 2:38 pm

Wow, thanks for sharing this, Alison. I'm glad to hear that there are some upsides to this for you, too, and that it's given you a way to deal consistently and sanely with some of the "disorder" that a partner can bring to one's life. :D
Nic

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or you're breaking down

~Idina Menzel

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Re: Okay, my turn

Postby Eayore » Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:05 pm

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Re: Okay, my turn

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:53 pm

Thanks for sharing this, Alison. I have observed with W the ways that our DD relationship is affected by her experiences as much as mine, and how she is learning to heal some of her childhood stuff by doing it.

One thing I've thought for quite a while (since working at a domestic violence shelter), is that people who take the time to reflect on their actions, and make choices that help them to solve problems, seem less likely to become abusers.

What you said about frustration leading to abuse struck a chord with me. When I was a kid, I thought a lot about how spanking could be used as an appropriate parenting tool. My oldest sister would talk about being anti-spanking, but then when she got totally overwhelmed by her kids, she would hit. And to me, that seemed like the dumbest available option.

To me, someone who has a plan for preventing the frustration, and building in a good structure, is less likely to be abusive.

Again, thanks for sharing.
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