Therapy...

[Eayore]

Hope it goes well for you.

[altbob]

@AC - I just remembered something else I have had my wife do . She can be a bit nervous and not forthcoming. So sometimes I will sit down with her and we'll write out a list of issues or things the therapist needs to know about. Then you can just hand it in when you get there. That can feel less vulnerable than doing it the other way.

[JigsawAnalogy]

I'm glad it went as well as it did.

I think Altbob's suggestion of writing stuff down can be useful. It can also be useful, depending on how many sessions you're allowed, to allow yourself to go as slowly as you need to process through things. My main experience in therapy is as a survivor of abuse stuff, and they really encourage people to take that stuff slowly so that it doesn't become overwhelming. (This drove me crazy--crazier, some would say--but was the wise choice in the long run.)

[LadyShriver1]

AC: As someone who both works in therapy and has had it, I can tell you how wonderful everyone's advice is here. I whole heartedly second all their thoughts.

Remember: You only need to talk about what you're ready to talk about. A good therapist will help you get ready to talk about more, but will not traumatize you into doing it.

You can always change therapists if you feel like the "click" isn't there.

Dealing with that kind of stuff is gonna take a long time. Get used to that idea

You are totally able to do this, because you already took the biggest step in agreeing to go to therapy

And like JA said, the process hurts. It has to. If it was easy, you would have just dealt with it. But the
rewards are huge.

I hope everything went well for you. At first, I found myself not wanting to go and making excuses, especially when there was something happening with me that I didn't want to look at. After a little while, I couldn't wait for therapy day! It was something I looked forward to all week, and was sad when my therapist said he thought I could keep working on my own. Good luck with it all!

[accidentallycrazy]

Hey guys, sorry for the silence on my end - these last few weeks have been ridiculously crazy with uni deadlines, manic sewing for an anime con we went to this weekend and the other fun elements life heaps on you when you least expect it (illness! Illness has been stupidly unhelpful recently)

So I've now had a 'proper' session all by myself with the therapist. Good God that was scary But not so bad after the first ten minutes or so and I got plenty of attention from T after. The therapist and I just dicussed some general issues with my getting trapped in a depression spiral and beating myself up for not understanding that I *am* trapped. Cause yelling at myself for it only makes things worse.

Next session is on thursday and I've agreed to talk about the actual memories causing the flashbacks. I might be kind of terrified about this. I think I might make use of altbob's suggestion of writing things down cause I'm really not sure if I'll get it all said otherwise. Eheh this is just... it's good for me but I'm finding it hard to talk. Luckily, the therapist is very helpful in gently drawing out the things I want to say. It's going well so far, I think

I'll try to respond properly to you guys tomorrow, for now it's definitely bedtime XD

[LadyShriver1]

Hey...haven't heard from you and know you were getting ready for a difficult session. Just checking in. Hope everything's ok.

[accidentallycrazy]

Hey, so sorry about being away for so long! Uni decided to go absolutely crazy and life just... really started kicking my ass.
Thank you for the concern :3 I've been alright; the therapy session wasn't actually as difficult as I thought it was going to be. It was pretty freeing to talk about all of it, really. I still didn't cry, neither in the session nor talking to T after... which wasn't the best thing for me, with the place I was in, but I know it might take a while to unlock that particular emotional response. Hm, I might just copy and paste from an LJ entry I made, I think I was more coherant then...

"Last week we went into detail about some of the memories and... yeah, that wasn't any fun at all.

I'm not certain how much it's helping so far. I do know that I haven't felt quite as down since I started with them and I am starting to understand myself a bit more. I think it just helps to talk sometimes. It's certainly not an easy thing for me: I find trusting strangers very difficult and opening up to a strange person about myself like this has been... horrendously difficult. But I'm going to persevere. I want to beat this thing. It will NOT beat me.

My thing to work on this week... My therapist and I discovered that I internalise my feelings in order to not offend the people I'm with. I have a great fear they'll leave me if I become bothersome. I already knew this but what I found last thursday... I've internalised my feelings of anger so much that I no longer know when I'm supposed to be feeling angry. I don't get angry on my own behalf anymore and bottling those feelings up, even subconsciously, is not a good thing. I need to let myself feel my own emotions.

I just... find it liberating to be able to talk about it. It feels less big and scary when I'm not the only one trying to deal with it. There was a time where I couldn't even talk to T about this. She's actually gotten very good at reading me, so she can tell when there's something I want to say but can't without some pushing. I still find it incredibly difficult to cry or let myself show 'negative' emotions around even her, though. I'm hoping that being able to share with someone else who, for all intents and purposes, is still a 'stranger' will help me to be able to share more with friends."

It's gotten better since then. I can see how much it's been helping, now, when before I just felt like I was being shown the problems without solutions. I certainly don't have any quick solutions, and I know that... But I can think about the memories without shutting down now, and I'm beginning to realise just how much I'd shut myself out of my own emotions. I am.. starting to recognise when and what I'm feeling. Now I just have to start allowing myself to feel them. My emotions are just as valid as everyone else's, I just have to remember that.

In the mean time... I had a week where I very nearly shut down with stress over this, upcoming deadlines and money worries. Procrastination and my general attitude led to, I think, the worst spanking I've recieved from T so far, heh. It really helped calm me down, though. I might post about it later... We had a tough few days and both ended up crying and, well, just talking about everything for a while, which also helped my sort out my head. We're getting there, I think.

For now, I'm taking it as it comes and just trying to remind myself to let myself feel. And that the whole world doest hate me. I'm getting better at it

[JigsawAnalogy]

I'm glad it's been helpful. It can take a while before the benefits are really clear, but it *does* happen. So good for you for persevering!

[accidentallycrazy]

Thanks :3 Yeah, the therapist keeps telling me to remember that it's not a quick fix process, which I do know. It gets a bit frustrating at times but I know I'm getting there - so I know I can keep persevering.

Plus I have T along to help when I get down/frustrated with everything. She'll happily take me away from whatever it is that's going wrong and remind me that it's all ok :3