Hmmm, blackbird, I don't have many suggestions, but I do often experience something similar. When I'm being punished regularly, I'm calm, I'm relaxed, and I feel safe in myself. But my loud, confident, boisterous side doesn't flourish under such conditions, and while that me can often be stressed, angry and over the top, it's also the best of me. At the moment we're just trying to balance it so that I have time to be both versions of me, until we find a better solution! It's not perfect, but I recommend.
I'm not sure how it's connected, but somehow I feel this also belongs here - I have some bad bruising after a particularly severe spanking last night, which we both felt was necessary to readjust my attitude after a long break, but we didn't mean to let it get so far. I'm really struggling with the continued pain which I know will last a few days, so I'm trying to decide my reaction to it. And for a moment, I tried out the framing that I deserved it and it was part of my punishment - and that was comforting, and it was easy. But I felt it was too dangerous to redefine a mistake as something I deserved, for what it might do to my understanding of Self. So I go the decidedly less comforting path of accepting that we screwed up as part of the learning process and I'm suffering because of it. And jesus knows my chief is suffering just as much (his reaction to the brusing had me quite scared until I saw for myself, and I thought 'OH. That ain't nothing but a thing'
I don't know if this relates to your worry at all! But I felt it belonged here, so maybe it will speak to you. And if it doesn't, well, it's still my story and it's a new derailing of the thread is what it is.
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'
Marni Jackson, 'Pain'