So how did you guys meet?

[mickey]

Hi there --

This may be talked about elsewhere on this board, but I'm wondering, for the committed couples who are here (or for those who are representing one side of a couple), I'm curious: How and where did you meet?

I have recently dipped my toes back into the waters of online message boards for kink related interests, but I have to be honest: I'm not sure that such a board is really the most likely way for me to meet someone who is likely to be compatible for me and meet my needs.

My two most satisfying experiences with having external control in my life were with close friends who did not identify as "kinky" at all. Because these friends cared about me and because we had a close bond, I was able to eventually articulate to them what some of my needs for discipline were all about.

My friend who currently disciplines me is not someone I met on a board for kink (although we did initially meet online!) or even for dating.

In a way, I like it that way -- I have the benefits of a friendship and of some external control that is not equated with sexuality.

On the other hand, I wouldn't mind finding a romantic partner I clicked with who could also impose control as needed. The question is, are boards tailored to folks interested in kink really the answer? If so, how does that work?

My hunch is that I might do better meeting someone that I click with and who clicks on me based on like interests and personalities and *then* I can bring up my need for discipline with them, down the line. Because I'd much rather have someone discipline me because I need it than do so because he believes himself a Master or something like that.

At the same time, some kink could be fun.....

so I'm looking for suggestions and, more importantly perhaps, stories, so I can learn how others navigated getting into relationships that include control.

[JigsawAnalogy]

W and I met after I knew that I was kinky, but before I realized that the particular shape of my kinkiness included discipline. We met through friends at a party, and neither of us were expecting to find someone that day (I wasn't even expecting to be at that party, but a long string of accidents and coincidences led me there... I'd call it the hand of fate!)

I discovered at the end of my previous relationship that the woman I was dating had also been kinky, and I made a promise to myself then that I would be more forthcoming about that aspect of things when I started another relationship. So I told W that I was "into" spanking right at the beginning of our relationship (and pointed her to posts I'd made on soc.sexuality.spanking). But we had been together for years, and were already married, before I realized that part of what I need is discipline. Fortunately, we'd already established a pattern of talking with each other and being open about what we needed, so I managed to come out about that, and she made her way through being a reluctant top to being fairly enthusiastic about it and realizing the benefits it has for her as well as for me.

[Eayore]

I think I was attracted to P partly for her "feisty" no-nonsense attitude, but at that stage in my life I was not looking for a top who would actually spank me. In fact, I had absolutely no intention of telling anyone about my needs and fantasies... ever. She dragged it out of me, after we'd been together for some time.

[artlover]

I think if you are the bottom the best thing to do is find someone who is generally compatible and, when you have got to the point where you are getting serious and think they are too, tell them what you want and need. (Or at whatever point it seems comfortable to do so). Because I think even a mostly vanilla top, who cares about you, will gradually be able to top you to give you what you want. (This won't work for someone seeking a fantasy spanking romance style top who, due to their awesome innnate topness, "just knows" what the bottom needs. But in real life, with realistic expectations, there is an excellent chance it will work out).

I think it is a little more problematic if you are a top. For TTWD to work on a long term basis, the person who is to be the bottom must be fairly bottom oriented. A partner needs to be at least mildly bottom oriented in order to react well to topping, especially on a long term basis. I think it makes some sense to look for people who already know they want a partner who will top them.

On the other hand, any amount of time reading boards dealing with DD, TTWD, Taken in hand, etc. will reveals that plenty of couples discover their affinity for DD after they have already been together. And while I hate to say it (because I can identify with tops looking for bottoms for serious relationships) I would be wary of those who advertise themselves as such, especially if they are men (not sure what your orientation is). Lots of creeps and jerks out there.

[JigsawAnalogy]

I know other people who found partners through things like the soc.sexuality.spanking group. It's not that they went there looking for a partner, but that they found themselves in a community with other people who shared the interest, and built up a friendship that grew into a relationship.

Artlover, you make a good point about how it might be more challenging for a top to find someone through a vanilla situation. I have a lot of sympathy for tops looking for partners, because the non-creepy tops seem to have a harder time of it. (The creeps don't seem to have as much trouble as I wish they would, but that seems to be true whether or not they're kinky.)

[artlover]

I also think, even among people who are comfortable with TTWD, DD, taken in hand, whatever, there is bit more comfort with the narrative of a largely vanilla person who finds himself (or herself, but I think the issue is most pronounced with men) in the role of a top because he finds that the love of his life is a bottom and needs topping, then there is with the narrative of someone who identifies as a tops and is looking for a bottom.

Not that I have a problem with this. I do think there are a lot of creeps out there, though, as you note, there are plenty of vanilla creeps also.

[Nat]

I was very lucky. I don't think I would have had the courage to go out looking for someone. Liz and I were introduced by a friend of hers who thought we might like each other. Part of that was that she had been with Liz so knew Liz liked DD, and she'd also read stories I wrote that included spankings so she thought I might have an interest in it.

But we did "click" before there was any mention of discipline, and then it was definitely because she thought I needed it. And it's mostly been that way since.

[mickey]

Thank you all very much for the feedback.

You all corroborated my suspicion that, while looking online on boards for kink might seem like a great idea, it's often much better in reality to form a relationship more naturally and then tell a partner of the need for structure.

I know that my life got much better a couple years ago, and one huge turning point for me was turning away from some of the creepy folks I'd met in the "kink" world and letting close friends know of my needs. I find that, when it's mostly "vanilla" friends who are willing to help keep me in line, the discipline seems much more genuine, and I feel much safer than I do with someone who I got together with *because* he enjoys taking control.

[Eayore]

Glad to hear we could be some help, mickey.

... and then it was definitely because she thought I needed it. And it's mostly been that way since.

Nat, I really envy you for that. Probably I have told you this before, but I can't resist saying it again now.

[lana]

We just met on regular old vanilla match.com. Among my stated preferences was that i desired a man with old fashioned values who tended to be more dominant in nature

We just clicked right away. I was the first lady he responded to he said--even tho hed been a member for 5 weeks.
It wasnt till a lot later that i brought up the idea of dd. Spanking as just a turn on was much more easy to express. Also you have to be prepared for a lot of toads before you find your prince.
lana

[mickey]

Thanks Lana --

Hmm. So match.com can really work?

I have been hesitating to become an official member there -- read some reviews of folks with lots of gripes about the board.

Perhaps I should reconsider and join. I was annoyed that, when I joined, Match would notify me that I had emails but required that I pay them in order to read the emails. I guess it is a business.....

Thanks for your reply!

[LadyShriver1]

Hey, I know I'm coming a little late to this thread party, but hey, why not.

e and I met through the normal means, friend of a friend. I've been kninky forever, and brought that up relatively quickly into our sexual relationship. For me, the actual DD aspect was never even a thought until we had been dating for a while.

I think the fact that we were already practicing discipline in an erotic way might have helped clear the air for a discussion, and trial run of DD, even though it evolved into two totally separate aspects of our relationship. I would also say that my tendency to be "on top of situations" (E would call that 'bossy') caused him to be interested when I brought it up. I was very emotional about it, and yet, very sure it was somethingI had to explore, with him at the helm.

I don't think anyone can ever tell someone else how to get in a relationship, but I would say the relationship itself, and not the "kink" or even a more DD approach is something you have to discuss before hand. I figured out very quickly when I was with guys who had no bent for BDSM, and I think you might be able to tell the same as it related to DD.

Good luck with your search.