establishing authority

[JigsawAnalogy]

spankonanny, we need your help!

and i thought others might also need help in this area, so i'm posting here. my goal is for tops to chime in, but the tops have mostly been quiet lately, so we bottoms can have a free-for-all, passing out advice for everyone else, but obviously not at *all* for our *own* relationships.


so, here's what to do: write out a bunch of different ways that a top might be able to establish or reinforce their authority. what would make you feel like your top was truly in charge? use big things, little things, specific things, general things... really, i just thought it would be a good idea to have a whole ton of suggestions, and then tops who are feeling less confident in their authority could also come read this, and see things that people have suggested.

[Sara'sGirl(SG)]

I will post more stuff here as I think about it, but here's what came to mind when I first read this.

For me, establishing authority generally has to be a sorta spontaneous and even arbitrary thing on the part of the top.

Basically, any time S does something outside of what I've specifically asked her to do, in the way of disciplining me, it reinforces that SHE is ultimately the one in charge, not me. Now, I don't need that demonstrated to me on a daily basis (ie, she doesn't have to constantly be doing stuff I haven't asked her to), but there ARE times when I do need it, and here's how it has looked (in reality OR in fantasy).

--Maintenance spankings, daily, until SHE is convinced I acknowledge and respect her authority.
--Loss of privileges including internet, video games, etc
--harsher punishments for smaller infractions
--a refusal to allow me to argue--or an indication that any argument I even attempt to make is only going to make it that much harder on my butt (excuse the pun)
--extra chores

Stern talking-to can also work well. Often times, a single out of the norm spanking, possibly not even for breaking a specific rule, but just because she thinks I *might* not respect her authority, along with a lecture that says something like, "Look, you don't get to make the rules around here. You also don't get to skate around the rules. I suggest you do a better job of trying to impress me, because until you do, things aren't going to go well for you. It's on YOU to convince me that you are obeying the rules, to the BEST of your ability, and WITHOUT an attitude. Until you're prepared to do that, you'll have to be prepared to be spanked, because I'm not settling for anything less."

Those are my thoughts, and I hope others will add to this!

Great topic, JA!

[mijita]

Times when it isn't what I want -- when I don't get to do something I want to do or have to do something I don't want to do.

When it isn't corporal punishment. (See above.)

When he decides on new rules and makes it clear he's seen what's been going on. That goes along with clearly believing in a rule and it being a Good Thing when I'm not sure about it.

When my excuses aren't accepted.

When I'm clearly sorry and the punishment happens anyway.

Weekly regulars and calendaring.

[Homeatlast]

Wow great topic. IC and I have had a review tonight and one of the things we talked about was her needing to use her voice more to ea. Most times she is very quiet during spanking and I think scolding / lecturing would be more effective. I have also asked her to use her voice more during the day. If I am misbehaving she is more likely to be really loving and ask me what is wrong when what I need is pulling up and either being made accountable there and then or if that is not practical (if our daughter is around) then at least being warned about what will happen later.

Remembering when a punishment is due! I have been pushing for and reminding lately rather than sitting and sulking when it doesn't happen (I'm maturing - yeah right!).

Setting a rule that I haven't requested.

Coming up with a creative punishment (Alison seems pretty good at that!) so I know she has thought about something other than I have suggested

Getting more confident with spanking and maybe putting me in different positions or going into another room other than the bedroom occasionally. Again it would feel more like she was taking control and not following a routine.

Giving a few swats when out and about as reminders. A few swats and a warning before going out especially if I've been in a crappy mood.

Having some days where she has nil tolerance and harsher punishments just to reinforce that SHE is in control.

I'm sure I'll think of some others.

Fab topic JA , thanks.

Where are all the Tops? We really could be running riot round here! In fact anyone got any suggestions for some mischief I'm feeling up for it.

[Sara'sGirl(SG)]

You could always sneak back into the Tops forum, Nick.....

[Homeatlast]

Nah. Need something more inventive! Anyway I may feel like playing up a bit but I don't fancy having to come back here and admit too all these (absent) tops I did it again! I'm not that brave!

[Disobedient Girl]

bit wistful replying to this as L. away at work a lot just now and tired and hungry when she is here ... but the main thing that makes me feel controlled is the famous scary look ...

i also respond strongly to maintaining what we think of a a submissive stance (legs slightly apart, hands behind back); there is a version of the scary look with a slight inclination of her head to tell me to stand that way. can be just half a minute whilst a warning is given or just reminding me who is boss and certainly works for me. being made to repeat an instruction or expectation, or to repeat that dadi is in charge makes me pleasantly and securely nervous. and having my wrists held down, doesn't have to be sexual at all although i do love it then, but a arm (painlessly or nearly painlessly up my back and i'll be listening carefully) hair pulled to force me into eye contact effective ...

having to write about what we've done or what might happen puts me in a 'kept in line' frame of mind.

don't want to get too explicit here but extensively delayed orgasm is effective and even a day or do when release is expressly forbidden reduces me to thinking about little else but her power ... (can be problematic over longer periods though as I stop sleeping and get cranky and demanding. but when i spend half the night in outlandish positions because my legs just dont want to shut and dadi finds this funny her authority is fairly securely established.)

corporal punishment is a bit hard for me to write about at this exact moment because if anything a nice warm spanking or stinging caning is something i am having to earn with good behaviour and very difficult that can be too. but at other times there is a lot to be said for prolonged over the knee sessions eg, while she enjoys football on the telly. i love to be caned but it is evil when its evil, ditto heavy leather straps, especially when its not on my bottom. holding position to get strapped on my upper and inner thighs i would single out as especially scary because it hurts a lot and you can see it coming.

on the painful side there are clamps or clothespegs - i wore some nasty pegs for a while one morning fairly recently and dadi said it made her feel pleasantly on top to hear me down stairs making coffee and knowing i was pegged up. sometimes used as a threat when i will be made to repeat 'begging means pegging' (begging for more or less of anything strongly discouraged!)

non corporal punishments generally can be devastating i certainly echo what is said on here in various posts its not what happens but the context - recently waited over a day to hear what a specific consequence would be and it turned out to be a short session writing lines with a victorian style slate she likes - the pencil is nasty and scratchy to use - and i actually did cry a little and partly because i WASNT being whipped but for the moment at least i am thinking the better of trying to get what i want and the inner turmoil and humiliation of that is oddly reassuring in its way

this si a fun thread!

[Eayore]

I find it really exciting to read this too.

For me, it's being told to go and stand in the corner when I'm not expecting it and don't want it. Best of all when I am just settling down to watch a favourite TV programme or something like that (and generally I know I will still be there long after the programme has finished!)

Being denied orgasm, coffee, chocolate or alcohol for a period of time (i.e. days) is another good one, but that rarely happens nowadays.

[JigsawAnalogy]

[Eayore]

Great list, JA. I recognise most or all of them in my own life, too.

[G.D.]

Decide on why the punishment is being given - I often think that an apt or suitable punishment is more effective than an expected 'six of the best'. For example - if Girl does not wear matching underwear as instructed a fitting punishment might be to be march up to the bedroom wardrobe - told to strip & put on the dowdiest, unsexiest underwear she has, followed by very unbecoming clothes. The punishment is that she knows Dadi won't find this attractive.

[BickaBecka]

This is a wonderful thread!

One thing that always gets my attention... grasping a handful of hair at back of my head (but not anything that starts at the front, that's a totally different feel) will have me hanging on every word. So if I need to pay particular attention to something that's being said... that's a good way to make me pay very careful attention.