This thing we do

i will start this by saying that certain purples have been kicking my butt all around the block for a couple of days. certain purples have caused me to have to really face up to my behavior, and recognize that i'm perhaps less than entirely perfect. certain purples need to think about whether *anyone* likes to have that kind of mirror held up to them. certain purples need to remember that i could go mad with power and since i have full control over the board....

certain purples should feel lucky that instead of feeling furious, i felt like they really care about me, and are helping me, even though they've got more than enough of their own to cope with. i mean, i'm all teary-eyed, and it's not just because of how i felt after this evening with w.

so. this evening. the part that all of you voyeuristic bottoms wanted to read about, and perhaps the reason you gave all that advice to w (and all that ass-kicking to me). because, obviously, it was that you wanted more "confessions of consequences," and not at ALL because you care about ME.

the original plan was that i would be waiting in the corner, wearing my punishment skirt, when w got home from work. life intervened, and instead, i was helping a friend to wrangle his twin toddlers through the dinner hour, and got home a couple of hours after w did.

i came in, we checked in briefly, i put my coat and bag away, and w immediately sent me to change into my skirt. i mean, she didn't even give me a *chance* to meerkat. straight to my room to change, just like that, no room for argument.

i came back, and she made me sit at the floor by her side, while she chatted with nick online, read facebook, and all of those other things. i might have been bored, but the thought that stuck firmly in my head was, "dang. if i could have learned on my own to be even half as respectful of w as she is of me, i probably wouldn't have to be sitting here like this."

w was feeling crummy, and exhausted. normally, this would mean she'd have trouble establishing authority. boy, howdy, she didn't have trouble tonight. she told me what to have for dinner (usually we eat together, but she had eaten while i was babysitting). she didn't worry about whether i liked what was happening, she just did it.

it was all small things. running her a bath. getting her glasses of ice water. tidying things a little. nothing major, but she had established that i would be respectful, and she seemed to believe it was going to happen. i may be a fierce, strong woman, but i can't stand up in the face of authority that believes it doesn't require questioning. at least not from w.

after an hour or more of this, when i thought it was over for the night, w continued with requests. and much as i wanted to say "but... but... but i had PLANS!" she didn't leave room for questioning. she told me what i was going to do, and i just did it.

and then things get even worse (for me, that is). she outlined a set of tasks for TOMORROW. instead of getting to putter and write and do whatever i like all day, i will have to be conscious of my time management if i want to do the things *i* had planned, because w made some plans of her own.

and the funny thing is, much as i hated this experience. much as i don't like the thought of having to do things based on someone else's idea of what i should do with my day, much as i really, really hate having to sit on the floor by w's feet? my emotional response was to feel very relieved. it brought me a lot closer to her, and made me feel--and behave--far more affectionate.

it really is weird how this stuff works, isn't it?

(also, as a point for those who believe that DD works solely because of gender: w, who is definitely thoroughly a woman, reported feeling not only exhausted, but also very taken care of, fulfilled, accomplished, and satisfied from tonight. apparently, having to come up with things to order me to do just because means that she feels like it's her *job* to ask for what she wants, and insist she gets it. apparently, this thing we do has some direct benefits for tops as well!)

so thanks, everyone. thanks a lot. i shudder to think of what will happen if y'all give any more suggestions. the ones you gave were plenty, believe you me.

Thanks for posting this for us, JA, and *maybe* the suggestions were *partially* b/c we are nosey little bottoms who like to celebrate share others' pain, perhaps, but the butt kicking was ALL about caring for you.

And I DO feel lucky that you weren't furious. Cause, yeh, I like you, and would hate to actually offend you. I mean, unless maybe you deserved it. Oh, who am I kidding? I'd hate it anyway.

I'm so glad you got to spend the evening caring for your wife, and that that seems to have made BOTH of you feel more relaxed, closer, and affectionate towards one another.

HUGS to you both.

And, I DID post more ideas, but I don't know how helpful they'll be. Really, I have your best interests in mind. Really.

i hate you. seriously.

or i *will* hate you, if i can continue to be my better self and not delete those evil, evil, EVIL posts you wrote in the other thread.

(um, just in case you're worried, i don't hate you. but i AM realizing that being on this board is like having a bunch of friends who will not only rat you out when you misbehave, but who will then offer suggestions as to the best punishment... this isn't how i imagined having friends, all those lonely years ago.)

LOL. Lovely account.

And I found myself thinking that perhaps I should have read this before I wrote my reply. Ah well -- otherwise I'd have to be working.

Oh, you might consider putting a hot link to this entry at the bottom of your PB post as an update.

hugs,

Mija

PS. If this keeps up, "Reluctant Top" may become "Mistress R"

LOL, so true. But I'm still glad that you posted your thoughts in the other thread, too. I'm sometimes too lazy to make it over to PB, and you really touched on some things that I haven't been able to articulate about this, regarding doing something b/c someone wants you to, even if they aren't FORCING you to or something. (Whoa, maybe that's what submission is..*ponders*).



so true. but it's also like having a bunch of friends who will listen to you and hear some things that, perhaps, a quieter voice inside your head has been saying for some time...POSSIBLY b/c a voice has said similar things to THEM...not that any of us have voices in our head, mind you.

were you making fun of my harrowing experience of multiplicity, nic? that is sooooooo not pc.

plus, you should be glad if you don't have voices in your head. it's much easier to get away from voices that are *outside* your head.

@mijita: i really appreciated your comments, and i'm just as glad you posted them before reading here.


so, right now, i'm still waiting nervously for a spanking that i earned yesterday. *sigh* see, i was doing a lot of thinking about not being perfect, and what it means to allow myself to be perfect. so when it got to be lunch time, and i was about to force myself to go eat something, because i know the rule, and i wasn't in the mood for a spanking... something (several of those voices in my head, in fact) said "No. break the rule. don't be perfect. don't try to control everything."

it was baffling. i mean, the thought that the way to submit to w's authority is to break rules? it seems to make no sense. and yet...

so i skipped lunch. and then i was too embarrassed about it to tell w, so i didn't text her about meals. i probably could've gotten away with this, because as it turns out, she had been busy and exhausted at work, and didn't notice that i hadn't texted about meals. (well, that would have required lying on my daily checklist, which would've been a major breach of trust... not that i haven't done it in the past, but....)

but then, after i'd spent about five hours doing laundry (2 1/2 sorting slowly while also chatting online, and then 2 1/2 actually at the laundromat), i got home, and she had more tasks for me.

i really, really wanted to break that rule, too. but at the same time, i knew she was tired. so i was trying to gauge *how* tired, since i didn't want to break another rule and make things harder on her, if she was really tired.

um, so... it turns out this is challenging her authority. while it's important for me to be conscious of how w is feeling, she is the one who will determine whether or not she has the energy for a punishment, and when. if what i *need* is to break a rule, i need to do that, without worrying about whether she has the energy to deal with it right then. i need to trust her to make choices that take care of herself.

i was going to get the punishment yesterday, but then i had epic whiny baby cramps for two hours right after she got home, and then we had dinner guests. i was out this morning, she was out this afternoon... so now (mistyped that THREE TIMES as "ow") i'm waiting for her to get home.

the hard part of all of this is i really don't want the spanking. or any punishment, for that matter. i just want things to be perfect, dammit, and i don't see why that can't happen. except for one small thing--i've been practicing giving up on "perfect" and it actually feels pretty good. (baby steps: i practiced being ok with the fact that the trains weren't running the way they are supposed to... and i was a whole lot less stressed out than usual about it.)

so that's where things stand right now. i'm sure there will be a further confession of consequences before too long.

Really enjoyed catching up on your developing situation - love W as Jigsaw's Boss. Love the stuff you are saying. Got a permanent picture now of W doing her own thing on line while you sit at her feet getting your head petted. I can't imagine what you look like but feel I can almost visualise the expression on your face.

I like it that W does Farmville - Dadi finds it relaxing and I enjoy referring to the hours of (real) work she does on her laptop most nights as 'playing with your farm'!

For myself I am trying hard to be a good bottom and longing for the day Dadi will be able to post a thread entitled 'It's lovely at the Top'. You are dead right that I ought not, (and anyway am forbidden) to beat myself up about stuff, but I am ashamed of this last lot of bad behaviour in particular. Because we really talked through how to avoid all this stuff and when it came to it I couldn't hear or remember.

I know I have already said I was shocked to be punished so hard but feel I can't overstate this. I still sort of expect if L. is physically under the weather that she will go easier on me; this used to be the case when we were doing d/s for play. I mentioned this and she says that nothing is more important than discipline. And as if all this was not enough as we watched a DVD late last night she wrote up her notebook detailing what 's due for minor offences over the period. One incidence of swearing - write out that essay again; excessive cheek - corner time ( how long not specified but I bet it will be a while; I am getting to hate it - so different now from the sex preamble of yore); and the no pants incident; in shabby leisure bottoms for our next 'special night'.

our good friend who officiated at our non-legal, fully binding wedding took his job seriously. he counseled us beforehand, talking about our relationship, where he saw the strengths, how he thought we could help each other in our marriage. all that cool mushy stuff.

one of the things he said really stuck with me: there are two kinds of balance. there is the kind where, once things are balanced, they stay in place. and there's something he called "spinning balance" where what balance means is, things are constantly in motion. how he saw us was in spinning balance. we are best when things are constantly changing.

w and i have found our spinning balance, for the moment anyways. which means that within days of her establishing her authority in a way that i could believe, in the way that i desperately need, a part of me finally stepped up, and is establishing authority over w in the way that *W* desperately needs, and will hopefully eventually believe.

so while w might be my boss, i am (well... Cleo is) *her* boss too. there'll be a whole post about this, but i didn't want to leave you with a thought that is totally inaccurate.

(Cleo here): W is concerned that her having rules is going to take too much time, so she's not going to get to do Farmville for a few days, until she realizes there is plenty of time for all of the things we need to do. Having accepted that I *am* a top, even though most of the people who live in my body are *not* (and those people need to accept that they most definitively are *not* W's boss!)... having accepted that, I have no qualms. I crossed a boundary I was scared to cross when I talked to W about her behavior yesterday. And once I crossed it, I was certain that yes, this is the right thing to do. And knowing that it's the right thing to do, I am fully committed. And I'm good at being a top. So warning to W: I am giving to you what you have given to me. Full, absolute commitment to this process. A strong belief that we can make this work. And a willingness to do things you won't like, because I do know what's good for you.

Apparently I coined an in-joke...

Glad the purples are kicking you around and that W gave you some good topping. Also interesting to hear that Cleo will be topping W. I'll be waiting to here more on that...

Forgive me for asking something that's off topic... is Cleo able to come out at will? I'm curious, none of G's alters could do that.

sort of yes, sort of no. this is a fairly new development in my healing process, the ability for parts to assert themselves when they see it is necessary. most parts are generally paying attention to what's going on around me now, and cleo's gotten to the point where she will step in when she's needed.

with collective-me, there's also the fact that there are usually several parts out at once, so the shifting is more about being able to take over control of the body than about actually just showing up. and control is largely about each of us being able to recognize what is the individual part, and what is another part (and what we're picking up from the people around us, since we've realized how very much we respond to the emotional states of someone near us).

although... we really do need to find a better way of facilitating a sticky switch--when it's hard for whoever is currently in control to step back and let someone else out. usually we smoke a cigarette, and we haven't worked out what about that lets things shift. but if we're going to stop smoking, which is on the agenda, then we'll have to find something new.