What do I deserve?

[lscountry20]

Hi,
About a year ago my boyfriend threatened to spank me for doing inappropriate things. I doubted that he woud (verbally), and he did. He said I had it coming for many years. He had threatened before, and I had laughed in his face more or less, but now we are in a DD relationship. I am happy with it, it makes me secure and I feel cared about. My behavior has improved, I don't ignore him when I am mad any more, well I try not to. He has told me for several months now that we need to take care of past issues, and I've managed to add up a few recent ones too. He hasn't spanked me yet because he says he needs to be in the moment that angered him. I think he really doesn't know what to do with me. First, I have a running away problem. Sometimes I fight, but eventually I flight. Most of the time its in the middle of the night, once was 13 miles of walking in unsafe territory.
A few weeks ago, I was so mad at him, I left his house slightly drunk with the intentions of injuring myself. He responded by purchasing a paddle off the internet which is now at his house.

There are about 5 incidents that he wants to spank me for. Should the sessions be separate, how long in the past can he hold me accountable, how hard does a lexan paddle hurt, I've never cried with a spanking, should he go until I do? Should he set a limit? Does he have to be angry and in the moment that he was during the action? What would nanny do?

[JMA]

[Sara'sGirl(SG)]

I'd also like to reiterate that I definitely don't think he needs to be angry either. S pretty much refuses to spank me if she is angry, and that tends to make her and I both feel safer, and avoid any sort of abuse.

[lscountry20]

Hi,
This was my first post to the site. I'm not afraid of being punished, I can't say I enjoye it, but I feel I do deserve it. I like the cute little swats on the butt when we are shopping, it seems like an I love you swat and it doesn't hurt. My problem is when I get mad about things I let them stack up, I live in a world of men and I swear men PMS. They all seem to do stupid things at the same time, and for some reason its my fault. Just recently my youngest kid was taking his driving permit test and looked to where I was sitting with a puzzled face. I knew there was a question on the test that I didn't prepare him for, I could tell in the look. I hear heavy sighs if dinner isn't getting their fast enough, or if I ask to have the trash taken out. Its not that my kids or my boyfriend don't do things around the house everyone does, its just like I ask for it at the wrong time? I don't know. But, I can tell when they are angry. Me, I keep it inside, like a ticking time bomb. I tried expressing everytime I felt angry, but then I seemed like a nag, and I hate people that nag. I don't assign chores, I think everyone should just do what needs to be done, but when someone hasn't carried their share of the load, I tend to get upset, because the others are whining about it. I run because I get tired of being in the way. I feel like if I wasn' there the problem would go away, because I tend to think I am the problem. If I cannot run, then I won't talk. I've gone two weeks without talking at home. This makes all the guys mad. I even get to a point where if I feel I am not getting enough assistance with things around the house or people are complaining about how much work needs to be done I just tell them to leave, I'll do it all. My oldest once said, he couldn't wait to hear those words. I have 5 really bad incidents on my acting out list. A new paddle was bought recently, and he intends to use it. I am getting impatient with it sitting there, not knowing when it is going to be use. His response is, he has to take himself back to the moment in time when he was angry. I already asked about the warm up. His comment was, no, that I didn't warm up to my actions, and I deserve to feel it all. He won't be abusive, it will be over the knee, and there won't be corner time, but if I don't appear to be sorry, the spanking will resume. I just think it is wrong to keep this hanging over my head, I want it done and over with. I was just wondering how hard other people would spank their disciplinary problem in these situations. Are these worse than what others do?

[Eayore]

I totally agree it stinks to have to wait for a punishment, knowing the 'implement' is there, hanging over us - but not knowing when it is going to be used. (On the other hand, if you think you deserve punishment, could it be that the wait is just part of it?)

The home situation you describe sounds exhausting to me! No wonder you act out at times. I know what you mean about keeping anger inside. My own tendency when I was younger was to do just the same. I actually did a course when I was about 30, which gave me some alternative ways to deal with it (which did not involve expressing the anger to other people around me). Without that, I don't know how I would be today.

[JigsawAnalogy]

you posted for advice about the punishments, but i have to admit that right now, most of the thoughts i have are about your overall living situation.

i've been in that position, and it took me years of work to get to a place where i could express how i felt without it seeming like nagging. in my case, the housework situation took compromise on both ends: i had to accept that other people wouldn't clean the house the way i wanted, on the schedule i wanted; other people had to accept that the chores didn't happen by magic, that someone actually *did* those things, and that it took time and energy. i think that, if i didn't have fibromyalgia and other problems of that sort that make it impossible for me to do all the things i want/need/ought to do, i would never have gone to the trouble of all that compromise. i'm pretty good at housecleaning, and when i'm not falling over from exhaustion, i can even find some enjoyment in it. but i did have to accept other people doing the chores, and figure out how to convey that i needed that from them. it helps, in my case, that w has said she actually doesn't find the reminders as annoying to receive as i find them to give, and i've worked on having it be reminders, rather than nagging.

shifting topics to the punishment you have to wait for... how much have you and your boyfriend discussed the dynamics of discipline in your relationship? i admit that it's not clear to me whether you're grousing about something that you actually find acceptable, or whether the delay is causing deeper problems. if it's grousing, you have my whole-hearted sympathy. but if it's causing deeper problems, it's definitely worth talking to your boyfriend about it.

if you haven't noticed yet, i'm a HUGE advocate of communication. before, during, and after a punishment, between infractions, pretty much all the time. i think that ttwd really doesn't work if both partners aren't committed to communicating with each other about what is going on, and how it's affecting them. and i think that a lot of problems can be solved or prevented by doing that.

so that's my two cents for this saturday morning.

[lscountry20]

I am very comfortable with my housing situation, just once in awhile it just gets annoying when people complain that they might be contributing more than someone else. Everyone contributes, I just get tired of listening to the complaints. I have improved in my temper, I have been known to pound my head against a wall. I've actually put the back of my head through a wall twice. Its been 7 years since I've done it. But, now I know why I did it, because guys just walk away when you are talking, so its like you are talking to a wall. I told them all recently the reason I used to hit my head against a wall was I got more of a reaction from the wall than I did from them. Injuring myself is now a spankable offense! Kind of silly, he gets to give me pain, but I don't. His is safer though, but hurts more. I'm pissed that the punishment is hanging, that is what I am struggling with. I think he is struggling with what to do with me and that is why it hasn't happened. So, I was looking for suggestions so that I could give him ideas. We communicate very well. So, does anyone have an idea, should it be separate sessions, should there be a warm up although he has already said there won't be, should he be angry, he feels he needs to be for it to be effective. Does a lexan paddle with holes hurt or cause any type of permanent damage. He has used his hands and a ping pong paddle - without the rubber.

[Eayore]

I can answer the question about the lexan paddle with holes: yes, it hurts - and no, the damage isn't permanent when it is used as intended!

To the other questions, I can only give my opinion because I believe this is all the sort of stuff which a couple needs to work out for themselves.

Should it be separate sessions? Well, I would say being spanked 5 times (without warm up for any of them) is going to be a more severe punishment than doing it all in one. So it depends how much he thinks you deserve. Or, if you want to make a recommendation to him then it depends on how much YOU think you deserve.

Should there be a warm up? Do you have any agreement between the two of you about warm ups? Do you yourself think they are essential, or is it just a preference? In my opinion, the main purpose of a warm up is to make the punishment more bearable (maybe I am a little biased on this point). Therefore, unless you have a prior agreement, or you have major concerns about being spanked without it, I can only say you can ask - but it doesn't sound like he is going to agree.

Should he be angry for it to be effective? I don't think so. In fact, I think the opposite.

[lscountry20]

Okay, I agree I earned the spankings. I found out they are going to hurt. We know there will not be a warm up. And we all hate that the spankings are hanging there in waiting. How do I communicate to him that he does not have to be angry to do them, or that he shouldn't be angry when he does them?

[Eayore]

The truth is there are no right and wrong answers about this.

If I was in your position, I would start off by asking why he considers he needs to be angry and in the moment that he was, in order to spank you. My guess is he has a reason which is perfectly logical to him. Assuming he allows further discussion, you could then put your point of view.

If he still insists, perhaps you could offer to repeat one of the bad things you did, so he can get angry real quick.

(Did I say that? I am ashamed of myself even to suggest such a thing.)

[topper2]

You could show him this board.

[lscountry20]

Yeah, I'm not stupid! Each thing I did was pretty much different, yes, if I did the same thing again, I am sure his anger would be instantly created. I don't think he would give my behind any sympathy at all. Not that he is going to give it sympathy.

His opinions about boards like this are that there are people that just want to be spanked and people that want to spank. He and I are definitely not into BDSM, we have no disrespect for those that are, but his feelings are that spankings help pull me away from doing irrational things.

The first spanking came after a vacation. I got mad, refused to talk to him the entire time we were packing to come home, refused to talk to him on the way home, until I had to pee, and trust me I had to pee for a very very long time. I asked him to just pull on the side of road so I could pee because I didn't want to impeded his progress of getting home rapidly (smartass). He said that was not possible, I said guys do it all the time. He said I wasn't a guy. When we got back to his house, I unpacked the camping supplies, and went home. A day later, I received an angry email stating that he had enough, and I needed to learn my lesson. He stated that he wanted to spank me so hard that I could not sit down for a week. My response was "year right" that wasn't going to happen. Several days later, I called, with my tail tucked under and said I was ready to come over. I arrived, all the drapes were shut, the belt, ping pong paddle were sitting on the couch. I said hello, grabbed a beer and sat down. He asked, why are you here? I thought about leaving, but thought better about it and responded with to take my punishment. Needless to say, if he ever suspects that I am refusing to talk due to anger, the paddle comes out, and I start talking.


Some of the five incidents occured before this one. They have impeded our relationship because he has a fear of women leaving him. They were running away from him incidents. You know the flight not fight behavior, but I'm in areas where its not safe, its miles away from phones, or services. One time was at the Colorado river, I jumped out of the boat, swam to shore and hiked to the mobile home we were staying at. I mentioned the other one was a 13 mile walk in the middle of the night. The most recent incident he made me so upset that I went to a place that I am ashamed of and don't want to talk about. The lexan paddle was ordered because of this incident. I hope he spanks me hard enought that I never even think about going to that place again. I've done it before, he knows, but its been a really long time. Its not drugs or drinking, its only something God can help me with, its a mental illness.

Trust me, I have been on extremely good behavior since the paddle arrived. I didn't believe him until he showed it to me. I do want to know what it feels like. I want to know if it will scare me enough. I want to be more afraid of the consequence than my actions when I am irrational. Everyone gets irrational, but if someone can help you from not being stupid and irrational, I think that means they love you and care about you. I never really was spanked growing up, I was abused, its different...really different.

Anyway, I had a good laugh when you suggested repeating the action...yeah that won't be happening. I would have to get to a real irrational state to do that.

[Eayore]

OK, I get it. Well, good luck with the paddling when you get it!

[lscountry20]

Can I get people's opinions...should it be 5 separate sessions? How many swats? I would like to hear what spankers would do to someone like me, so I can share them with my bf.

[YamahaBrat]

Honestly, I think the number of sessions has got to be between you and him. None of us know how hard (or long) your boyfriend spanks, or how sore you are afterwards. I know that my husband and I had a "getting back on track" spanking back in January that he originally said would consist of 4 sessions. We quickly found out that after the first 2 sessions (one in the AM, one in the PM, same day), I was extremely sore and tender. He gave me the third session the following morning and was kind enough to cancel the fourth. I love that man!

So you see, none of us can tell you how it "should" or "should not" be for you. A spanking that is more than I can bear might be a walk in the park for someone else. Likewise, someone who isn't spanked very often might not be able to handle the level of spankings that I receive. This whole issue of This Thing We Do (or Domestic Discipline, or whatever you choose to call it) is about communication.

One way the 5 issues could be addressed in one single session would be to segment the spanking. He could use a different implement for each issue, perhaps a different position for each, or simply tell you, "this next part is for...(insert your own words here)". Maybe talking/lecturing about the reason for the spanking--DURING the spanking--will work for you. My husband does not do that, although I think it would work for us if he did.

That being said, if you and he truly feel that 5 separate sessions are needed to address the issues that are coming between you, then you also need to discuss some other things, such as spacing and frame of mind. How much time will there be between each session? I got through 2 moderate-to-hard ones in a day and couldn't handle any more. A moderate-tohard hard spanking a day for 5 days in a row would be unbearable for some people; it's normal for others. For me, that would be a harsh punishment. A single severe session might require a week before you could handle another one. Will he feel that 5 separate sessions is abusive? Will you? What if you agree after two or three session that the need has been met for each of you?

In our house, with him working out of town, I do sometimes accumulate more than one spanking that I know I will get in separate sessions when he comes home. BUT, we've been doing this with one another awhile, and my level of trust in him is high. He knows my body very well, and he can tell where my mind is as a spanking progresses.

Whatever the two of you agree upon, remember that he needs to pay attention to the condition of your mind as well as your body at all times. If he feels enough is enough, then it should end. Good luck.